transcript for Advice for Young Executives

    transcript for Advice for Young Executives
    transcript for Advice for Young Executivestranscript for Advice for Young Executives

    Wednesday, March 1, 2017 :: Advice for Young Executives: video (2017). Related artworks can be found here.


    Congratulations! You have an office in the sky. You have legions of worker bees, drones, who will execute your genius plans all day long. No need to read the important documents that are placed on your desk. Have the secretary summarize the important points for you in the form of bullets! Bullets are highly useful for summarizing important facts! They are also useful for checking out at the last minute when the shit hits the fan.
    Beware of pathological speech patterns; speech patterns such as:
    • I'm going to reach out
    • We are going to use leveraging to leverage something
    • It is the tipping point
    • Let me be clear


    One man says, "Do you think you could choke yourself to death?"
    Probably not. You'd get so far then you'd lose consciousness. Then you'd lose your grip and then regain consciousness again. Then you’d go back to it and start the process all over again. Then you'd be caught in an endless loop, depending on how persistent you are. You’d continue in a cycle of choking yourself and then passing out and waking up, and then realizing that you were trying to choke yourself and then going back to choking yourself and then passing out and then going back to choking yourself after you’ve passed out and stopped choking yourself and then you'll go back to choking yourself after having passed out again!

    Relentless! Relentless!

    It may be requested of you to go to the workers. Talk to them. Explain what's going on in the tower. Give them instructions as to how to handle things like:
    • changes in insurance
    • The extended workweek
    • back pain
    • Work-related injuries
    • Things that will affect their daily life

    Make sure they understand why you can't hire more people. They will sympathize with you. While the industry is on the cusp of closing down be sure to never reveal the hidden agenda of your organization. Make sure nobody knows that you have to hang on to them until the very last minute.
    • tell funny jokes
    • get them on your side
    • remind them they don't need a pension
    • all they need is their spiritual awakening to pull them through any crisis

    One day you aspire to Greatness. You will have a home so luxurious! You will have Art Nouveau bronze cast toilet paper dispensers complete with lapis lazuli accents. Your perfect vacation would be to put you in a cannon and then shoot you at the sun.

    Hay is for horses
    B is for Jacks
    horsey backs

    Be sure to remain unclouded by delusions of credibility.


    The eye is always watching. It's always watching. One day you might become the eye. Be aware that there is always another eye. When you become the eye then one day there could be another eye watching you. Then you could become that eye. But then there's another eye watching that eye. An endless stream of eyes watching other eyes watching other eyes.

    Be warned. Many corporate bathrooms, when they flush, they flush automatically. They will splash urinal water back onto your shoe and sometimes onto your pants. You are a cog in a complex machine. You don't know the influence you have on the rest of the moving parts of the processes in which you are involved. Somebody might say to you, "Put this data here. It is attached to records on another person."

    Before testing out funny comedy-jokes on your intended audience make sure they're funny. If somebody does become pissed off it's okay if you identify them as somebody who's insignificant, like somebody you could fire next week. Those people are okay to anger. They won't raise a fuss. They can't afford attorneys.


    If you have no social connections whatsoever you will perish into an oblivion of drug addiction, poverty, homelessness. You would likely remain there for the rest of your life. All these systems are put in place. Do not fear implements of castration. Pay attention to the little things; something you find on your desk, perhaps. Don't become seduced by fantasies in the back of your mind. They were put there by somebody else. (Looking up... Who was it?)

    Be sure to come in every morning and attack each task with ebullient enthusiasm. Chances are you can find an institution for employment where you can hide in the shadows, collect a paycheck, do administrative work, grease the wheels of tyranny, go home to your tiny apartment and be happy.


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